DeCember has always been a joyous month for most but often a month of typhoon to my heart.
In the month of two consecutive december, i lost 2 kins. One is someone who dotes mi, n the other is my closest cousin. One hu guides & leaves words of advice in me.There was a time i told myself one goes a yr, so nxt yr, who wil it be ? Every yr when it comes to december, i cant help bt worry.
Had been busy lookin for e best gift suitable for my love ones. But probably i can never get a "best gift" cos most of them need intangible tings tt i wil neva be able to provide them with.
Sometimes i feel that roti-boy describes me best. Haf a presentable outlook bt is pretty hollow in it. Cos i feel no one can ever walk into chambers of the heart. So wad if u haf mani frenz ? mAN will always be a lonely man.
I wanted to get an internet card for kz bt dint do so cos i wasnt sure abt the model. Decided to subsidise a trip to kuala lumpur for countdown ,settin off on the 30th. Numerous probs came along e way, we wanted to go badli as we haf cancelled a couple of trips previously. Money was an issue, followed by accomodation. My fren haf a suite rm bt had to be shared among 10.Most of them are strangers to us.
Surfin nets for a couple of nites to get a budget n a good location hotel was diff. Mani unhappiness arised silently betwn us. Guess its me.
On christmas eve, was a line of unhappiness that happened. Before i could meet for dinner , mood was dampen. kristmas was jus like ani other dae. Had dinner wif 2 couples made mi felt pretty cold & reductant of dis festive. Perhaps i shld nt haf acted before askin for his acknowledgement on the trip. The coach was booked amounted to $66. Money was an issue. Jus as we haf seem to be able to came to agreement, Somethin bad happens. Kz's grandma had stroke. So sudden tat no cld ever imagine, dayz r numbered. I wish i cld do somethin for u. So dis december isnt on me, bt on my bf.. *shivers*
So wad can we do to the trip ? Guess is pretty obvious. HOwever i wil still prefered him to stay in spore, to be by her side though we wanted to go badli. I haf missed to see both my kin's before they lose their breathe, i dun wan him to carry e same regret as mi, for the rest of e life. Although he may haf other pt of view regardin dis.
This made mi lost sleep. I had a few of blueblack on my knees when i wake up in e morning. I den seem to haf good sleep .I began to haf illusions abt my grandma departin. I know i had been a bad/ unfilial girl . I wan to change, sometimes i reli dun mean wad i protray to u bt mani a times, e stuborness n e brave front jus conquer me. Forgive me,all i nid is to give me some time to make it up.. as i dun wan animore regrets & i dun tink i can take animore of it.
my heart is DRENCHED.. im numb to fate.
