I dropped & dropped dead deep down til the bottom of the well. Heart shatters wif all the energy i have. Im now nothin left wif a breath.. How i wish somethin could put me to sleep till eternity. I hate the world. Its never ending sufferings. Perhaps my life is suppose to be extreme highs & lows or perhaps its my retribution be it for the past 20 yrs or for my lifes before. If nid be, can i haf it all together. I have no extra energy to withstand ani of that sorts.
I hate myself, hate my life, hate my attitude and hate the jinx in me.
Today, supposed to wake up at 8am to study HRM. My body retaliated. Head was heavy & eyes were droppy. M i reli sick or isit my subconcious mind reli wanted a long sleep, a sleep that can bring me to a world of my own wheres there is only a ME. I hope i can bring someone wif me but i noe i cant. I never love someone as much as i loved myself & my way of life will jus let the other party feel annoyed. Guess i'll never meet the one for life. ... & i took panadol to curb.
Nothing goes in.. mind is EMPTY, heart is EMPTY.. only "crystal plaque" flashes.
No talking. Suddenly i hate myself .. hate to come back to tis home. I wish i can shift to a place of my own , that only has a ME. No interactions, no conflict no nid for any accomodations..SULK, SLEEP ,SCREAM , YELL , CRY.. as i wished*
Jus as i saw a tag by "V" on my blog, i quickly went to hunt for the shop he recommended. Boss not in. Sec time i called finally he spoke to me. I was glad tt he dint reject me flat. I tot i've got HOPE. Jus as i was excited, tryin to reach the plaque in the box, with another hand on the phone. The cover opens. n "piang" . My heart stopped beating for a moment. Right after the call, the bottomed up tears rolled.. I knew my heart can never beat the same animore.
I hate myself.. Y will it drop ? y r u so cruel to break my hope ? .. I haf no answer.. uncontrollably tears flowed during lunch. Grandma & maid look at me wif the ?? look.She taught i was crying due to stress that i used to but Im not although i dint finish studying. I controlled bt it flowed. The moment will be in my 21 years of life history. Never to be erased. There goes my pride n confidence.
Mr tan, my only hope called. He insited its acrylic n wans to help mending. I dunno wad better words can i use to express my greatest gratitude towards him. He said he could wait if i could rush down. Exam or PLaque? dillema.
I wil go down on MONDAY. i took the bus. I gt the urge to ask for confirmation of the exam time. TO my horror its 2pm rather than 2.30. I called Lyn wanting to inform her. To my suprise she reached. I was lost, i ended it in a harsh way. I apologised for that. Rushed down , to flag cab. No cab wans to take me. I couldnt wait animore,i booked. When i finished bookin another cab came. caNcelled tt.
Reached hall when the exam started. MInd was blank.. sqUeezed all i had in me.. left aft 3 hrs.
Went to roam on the streets. A well known shopaholic who shops to cure all unbalanced emotions. Spent, dint cure bt ache even more.
Back home, never i dare to raise my head esp to him. Im such a failure cant even grip somethin well huh. or m i jus damn at luck lost fones 3 times, once recently haben saved up now another gone.. Tis feelin is much worse than losing fone. Im a loser.
jUS as was abt to haf dinner, spoon fell i saved it usually my arm n got scalded. Its pain bt inside one is worse!
Dad came yelling he dint buy our unit number n it opened! ...... I wanted to tell my maid buy it for me. I got an instict a strong one bt due to the plaque i forgot. n it opened! second time! on sat, i bought a number bt dint buy i bet as i normally did. It came out first prize. I could haf won enough to make plague for him..
Searched thru the website... saw similar one bt its in US.. sigh.. dun dare to tell him the other side is out to. Dunno how to make my heart rest. Went down to draw a total of $300 cash. I spoke to him no reply. till now the money is still lying on his bed , untouched .
Wads more is coming, god can u tell me, pls dun kick me down the well everytime i start climbing.. strengthless. lost heart to heart talk frenz, so near yet so far.. no one.. There was a saying for everyone, theres one hug tat can cure all pains & crys...